I fell asleep at like 9PM. I was awake again at 2AM.
I sat in bed for about an hour and then got on my computer.
I came into the office after having a meeting yesterday with a company to the north of here. Those guys were really excited about things we could do, but I was just afraid that there would be little synergy between us as organizations.
I have been off of my drugs for a week, I should start taking them again. If I don't I may begin to have some kind of weird mental breakdown. Start to do horrible things like spend weeks in an alcohol soaked stupor, etc.
I guess I should figure out why I am self destructing right now.
Then again, maybe not, maybe I should just enjoy the ride down for a little while.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Finding a place for this
So I am thinking about this, trying to figure out if it has a place in my life, this sort of letting things out, getting thoughts and recent experiences out of my mind and onto paper. My girlfriend has been writing in journals for nearly 20 years, and I have only a brief history of writing when it was ordered by a psychiatrist, or other authoritarian body.
I think that there may be a place for letting it out in my life, but I am uncertain, mostly because I don't relate. I know a lot of people say that, but I really think I mean it. I have a hard time relating to other people. I have difficulty really understanding them and what their motivations are. Hell I have a hard time understanding mine. I sometimes think I am a socially disconnected person who went untreated or diagnosed. I often find myself sitting in my house just sort of lost in the patten of stucco on the walls or staring at the dust in a light beam. Other times I find myself falling asleep for no reason...I hate sleeping...I have vivid nightmares and dreams, and I hate the non-reality that they represent. I used to sleepwalk a lot, but have not in a while. It happens in times of extreme stress. Last time I had an incident I woke up with a knife in my hand and cuts on my arms, chest and back. After that the doctor prescribed me Depakote...which he said to take for a couple of weeks...whatever it was things settled down and that was that.
I think that there may be a place for letting it out in my life, but I am uncertain, mostly because I don't relate. I know a lot of people say that, but I really think I mean it. I have a hard time relating to other people. I have difficulty really understanding them and what their motivations are. Hell I have a hard time understanding mine. I sometimes think I am a socially disconnected person who went untreated or diagnosed. I often find myself sitting in my house just sort of lost in the patten of stucco on the walls or staring at the dust in a light beam. Other times I find myself falling asleep for no reason...I hate sleeping...I have vivid nightmares and dreams, and I hate the non-reality that they represent. I used to sleepwalk a lot, but have not in a while. It happens in times of extreme stress. Last time I had an incident I woke up with a knife in my hand and cuts on my arms, chest and back. After that the doctor prescribed me Depakote...which he said to take for a couple of weeks...whatever it was things settled down and that was that.
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